Why isn’t our Christian ‘journey’ like a novel, with a beginning, a middle and an end, with set characters with set purposes, and the plot constantly moving forward, never stalled or energy depleted or questioned inside an abyss that is black wall-less and silent? Shouldn’t it be a tad easier than it really is? At least more sensible? Concrete? A bit more predictable?
I was editing a past post not yet published, and got caught up in the web of scripted despair, a theme that keeps creeping into even my best of days. “It isn’t that I don’t have a dream; I just don’t bother to dream anymore. I am a shadow of myself.” Even I get tired of reading the same sentiment over and over again. Yet it must be my silent mantra, that which I inwardly have acknowledged as truth, but outwardly play the “all is well” game that Christianity has taught me to say. “All is well. All is well. God’s got this.”
Really?
What has He got?
“Barak said to her, “If you go with me, I will go, but if you don’t go with me, I won’t go.”
“Certainly I will go with you,” said Deborah. “But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours…” (Judges 4:8-9)
Though I refuse to go anywhere without You, when You set the stage and produce the actors, and they play their parts perfectly, I disregard Your aptitude for perfection and take all the credit myself. I never even acknowledge You. I am the star. I am the hero. And You? Crude to admit, but I allow You the part of an ornamental piece of furniture that exists in the background of my story.
No wonder my story fails to have a happy ending.
Ah, the old adage: Give credit where credit is due.
Well then my life would hardly be a personal success story, but rather Your Story in me. What would I brag about? What could I show off?
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? “
(Matthew 16:24-26)
I’m a failure at this, indeed!
I quietly thank Him. I whisper words of gratitude. I quote psalms of thanksgiving. But to shout Praise to the mountaintop? In the lobby? At my desk? Really? What will they think?
Should I care what they think? No.
Do I care what they think? Yes.
My soul is not in question as they stare me down with judgmental eyes that speak volumes about God. My job is!
“Then Deborah said to Barak, “Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” So Barak went…”
“…When the princes in Israel take the lead, when the people willingly offer themselves-praise the Lord! Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers! I, even I, will sing to the Lord; i will praise the Lord, the God, in song…”
Maybe in church.
Maybe in the laundry room with the door locked.
“May all who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength.”
I am like the sun when it sets in its shadows, behind the clouds beneath the horizon. I exist in glory for just a few minutes before I am forgotten for an eternity.
“Are you betraying the Son of Man…
But Lord, I love You!
“…with a kiss?”
Thomas Merton wrote: “Let go of all that seems to suggest getting somewhere, being someone, having a name and a voice, following a policy and directing people in “my” ways. What matters is to love.”
And to love?
“It is enough for our integrity to be known to God. What we do that is pure in His sight will avail for the liberty, the enlightenment, and the salvation of His children everywhere.” (Merton)
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 10:32)
Maybe my life would read like a novel, if only I would pay head to the Writer.
Lesson noted!