Judge Not Less Ye Be Judged

This morning began innocently enough, with no spiritual agenda or problem to solve. I settled into my 100 breathing exercise to calm my mind and ready myself for praying and reading. But then the mood began to change when I went upstairs to add milk to my coffee. My daughter was on her laptop. “Scrolling?” “No, working.” She has invested her extra time and money into a studio space that she is managing and marketing for art classes. When I returned downstairs, I could not grab the peace of a hundred breaths. I kept comparing the busy yet organized and prioritized life of my daughter to the half-assed melancholy wing-it life I live. I tried to imagine myself sitting on the rocks at York Beach, my go-to spot to reorder my thoughts. No go! Then I tried to imagine myself sitting on the green park bench in front of a small lake, my go-to meditating spot to rethink God’s place in my life and my place in God’s plan. No go! So I attacked my daily biblical reading with a vengeance…”What am I doing wrong?”

Field hockey…really? Like that’s in the bible!

Last night, like every Wednesday or Thursday night, I had joined a pick up adult only field hockey game. My daughter too. But unlike the other women in their 30s and 40s, it had been 51yrs since I had played the sport. As usual I hung out in the backfield. I hesitated receiving passes. I refused to take free hits. Without any confidence in myself, I did not, do not, feel like I fit in. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but I keep showing up in the hopes my attitude will change. I was co-captain in high school; captain both years in jr college. I used to be good. I used to have fun…mostly.

Driving used to be fun…mostly’

Life used to be fun…mostly.

I remember watching Chet drive, foot to the pedal, eyes on the road, laughing, fast lane on the highway. I am the Sunday driver, one foot on the brake, slow lane on a three lane highway. I envied his confidence. Yet, I had once owned a cab company with all the bad-ass attitude that goes with the job. I remember once with a hurricane coming, the news had issued a ‘drive at your own risk’ alert. Oh how much fun it was weaving in and out of the fallen branches on I-95.

If only I attacked field hockey, driving, new experiences, life…(here is the goal and here is how I’ll accomplish it) like I did as a younger self, my today life would be different. Ah the mantra plays on…

“Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great, but do not let me fall into human hands.” (2 Samuel 24:14)

ie…Follow You. And if indeed I have Your Heart follow my heart. The mind is of the world, but the heart? The heart loves! Since God is love, my heart is a piece of Him. Simple algebra. When I see people hurt by my actions and words (not only my judging them but offering that opinion to others who offer it to others, who offer it to others, I am directly responsible for those that get hurt. I know this, yet it do it anyways.)

“I have sinned; I, the shepherd, have done wrong. These are but sheep. What have they done?”

But I never arrive at King David’s conclusion to be punished.

“Let Your hand fall on me … “

I ask for forgiveness instead. Is that why I am stuck at work and at home? Judging others is just an underhanded way of putting myself above them, dressing myself in a costume of self-importance, ridding myself for a time from the mantra that says I am nothing. Instead of braving God’s Hand to make amends, I say “Oh Lord, I’m sorry.” therefore putting Christ back on the cross to suffer again.

“I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.”

I should try harder.

No – I should just give this judgmental piece of me that weighs everyone – and I mean everyone – on a scale of inferior and more inferior, and give it to God. Sacrifice that piece of me that sucks. Let it burn on the altar until it is no more. Then let’s see what happens.

“Sorry!” is too easy.

“So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen and paid fifty shekels of silver for them. David build an altar to the Lord there and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the Lord answered his prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.”

“Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong.” (Acts 3:6)

Oh Lord. Oh Lord. I can do better. Take me by the right hand, help me up, that my feet and ankles become strong. May I jump to my feet and walk…walk after You.

“It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through Him that has completely healed him…” (Acts 3:16)

They say sin is acting in ignorance.

Really?

Looking back, I have always been aware of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in God’s eyes, but I chose the latter. How is this ignorance?

Is it because I truly do not know who or what God is, but rather have only man’s interpretation, society’s interpretation of God? Perhaps if I really knew God, I would fall to the ground and never get up, crying tears of sorrow and regret that would never dry up.

“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come,”

“I lift up my eyes to you, to you who sit enthroned in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a female slave look to the hand of her mistress, so my eyes look to the Lord our God, til he shows his mercy.”(Ps 123:1-2)

Judging others as if I knew all, as if I knew best, as if I knew the challenges others face, as if I have walked in their shoes, is short sighted, callous and wrong. Sharing these opinions, even when asked, is capricious, callous and evil.

“The wise in heart are called discerning and gracious words promote instruction. Prudence is a fountain of life to the prudent, but folly brings punishment to fools. The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent and their lips promote instruction.” (Pr 16:21-23)

I am like this early spring garden that has braved the month long rains. Beautiful and rotten at the same time. The fire pit is a collection of old wet branches and sticks that I collected from the yard yesterday, not big enough to be chucked into the dumpster as unmanageable, not small enough to be useful as kindling. The longest pieces overreach the pit’s metal containment, not the perfect fit. A shadow of myself, the true self that God created, imperfect for the work God has set aside.

Like these pieces that need to be broken up before used, so do I need to be broken, to make the perfect fire for others to sit around, cook marshmallows, sing, laugh, enjoy life.

I will learn!

I will move as the sun moves, as the Son moves. I will to do better. I pray to do better.

“We all got secrets…Hurtful things. Long ago things…but most of the time we keep it hid. It’s like everyone of us has lost his way so bad we don’t even know which way is home any more only we’re too ashamed to ask. You know what would happen if we would own up we’re lost and ask? Why, what would happen is we’d find out home is each other. We’d find out home is Jesus that loves us lost or found or any which way.” (Buechner)