Tozer said, “There is simply not time enough to think, to become, to perform what the constitution of our natures indicates we are capable of.”
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I prayed.
I envisioned.
I read.
But what I thought was so clear and obvious seemed like a hoax. A Godly joke at my expense. I climbed the mountain top. I paid my dues. Now should have been my time to shine. But it’s not. It was all a mirage…to think that time and dreams were on my side. Damn it, Lord, what am I doing wrong? What part of living, short of all of it, do I not understand? I am alone here. Again. Living out some one else’s expectations rather than my own. Nothing new in that!
I breath the desert sand, grains of rawness grinding the flesh from the insides of my lungs, eyes burning with fever yet still looking for something better at the horizon. This night wanes on like a thumbnail moon setting. And I am still looking. Still looking. Oh Lord, hear my cry; hear my heart.
I want a life of my own, not a life hidden beneath the shadows of others in love. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve lost my chances. I’ve raised my families. I route for the champions; I route for the underdogs. I binge watch tv shows where there is hope and expectations dripping from the characters…wishing I were them, I think, instead of the observer.
Lord! Lord!
A long years…yes…it is meant that way…a long years has been spent reading and listening to books and lectures of motivation, inspiration and Godly guidance in the art of living and living out self expectations, trying to find that bridge between reality and bending reality, between the self and the spirit, while the cat pisses on my bed and the wood stove goes red-coal cold. I got promoted and demoted, hired and laid off, lost weight, gained confidence, and struggled with the world as covid took prisoners. Lost my job, lost my apartment, lost my independence and freedom. And I am here where the cat still pisses on my bed and the wood stove goes red-coal cold.
Tozer also said, “God…being the source and author of all things, it follows that He knows all that can be known. And this He knows instantly and with a fullness of perfection that includes every possible item of knowledge concerning everything that exists or could have existed anywhere in the universe at any time in the past or that may exist in the centuries or ages yet unborn.” Then tell me Lord God, how do I get from here to there?
How do I get from here to there – Did I really ask that question to God, the God, the all-knowing God, as if this God were a friend who cares?
But He does care!
He does care!
I am indeed like the blade of grass counted in His harvest field, the little sparrow fallen from the nest, replaced with the Most Gentle of Hands, protected with the Most Gentle of Hearts.
Oh my God…
Oh my God…
How could I have doubted?
I thought I had pressed ‘published’ on this blog two nights ago, but I guess I hadn’t. It was staring at me when I opened my chromebook just minutes ago. But by then He had already come and counted me in His harvest field; He had already replaced me in the nest and protected me from the elements-the doubts in my mind and heart. For this morning as I did my daily bible reading, I jotted down in my journal this quote from 1Samuel 8:19: “…we are determined to have a king over us, so that we also may be like other nations…”
No No Lord. I don’t want to be like other people. I want You.”
The answer was “Surrender.”
Just surrender.
Just surrender.
Amen